The Ponderosa Pinecone, MBC

A New System for a New Year

2006-09-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

Many have noticed that Multnomah Bible College has been, as my grandmother said, “letting its standards drop.” Under new rulership, Multnomah has been lifting the rules. Facial piercing, watching movies in dorm rooms, and to top it off – even satellite TV (we all know what comes on Satellite TV after 10:00). Patriotism is on the rise: Freedom is beginning to reign among the students. We now even have a fountain.

Where did it begin? We at the Ponderosa did some research, looking back into the school’s history. First, we suspected that it began with the end of the “no unmarried male and female in the same building rule.” However, we knew it had to be further back than that. We looked at the abolishment of the “no male and female under the same umbrella rule,” but this did not strike at the true beginning of the downfall.

We kept looking back, but actually, there was not much to be found past the umbrella rule, but a seven o’clock curfew and bundles of bananas in a closet.

It’s all a sham, by the way. Kelly, Slavens, Groom, Thomas (and the women government who we are not familiar with) are all implementing a new sort of control. Employing dozens – if not hundreds – of college-age undercover security guards they are loosening the rules, and tightening the watch. These men and women wander about the campus following their specific student assignments. They appear to be preoccupied, while in reality, they keep a close eye on the student body, reporting in every two hours to our fair student body government, making note of your every move.

We pulled a watcher aside, threatening to blow his cover if he didn’t answer our questions.
“It’s a new program Joe decided to begin this year,” he told us. “Each of us has been assigned five Multnomah students. Sometimes we sit in on classes, but we are not officially enrolled in Multnomah. We just watch you.”
This time, our research team did not let us down, and put together this list of details to look for in the watchers:
1. late teens, early twenties
2. always carrying a cell phone (which is used for reports)
3. often pacing
4. always short

I would be the last to believe this phenomenon, but recent events – which I am about to reveal – have proved otherwise. Just last night, I was walking my girlfriend to a friend’s house (all have chosen to be anonymous as is the nature of this publication) and after saying goodnight, I turned and there, across the street on the A-frame’s back porch stood a watcher, talking on a cell phone, pacing back and forth on the cement. I had seen him around my hall, spotted him at a dorm meeting, but it wasn’t until now that I knew for certain that I am his assignment. It didn’t stop there. I came out of the bathroom stall this morning to see him, supposedly, brushing his teeth at the sink. At lunch, he was three tables away from where I sat. It is true.

Multnomah student body, I simply urge to you watch. Watch for your watcher.

Hello Readers,

2006-09-06T16:39:00.001-07:00

It's 1:45am, and we plan on attending Manny Fernandez's session in the morning, at the ungodly hour of 8:30 yeah, you thought ungodly hours were actually early, like five- and six-o'clock, well, welcome to college but we're not tired. Well, maybe we are, but these keys call louder than our beds. We'd like to give you a quick overall update aside from the regular content of our publication.

First off and probably only off it should be known that we've abandoned a dream. Only three weeks ago, I ran into his room with a set of lyrics and a song in my heart. We were to be emo. A man and a guitar.I mean, a man and a guitar player, who would also be a man. And if we were lucky, our almost-but-not-quite life-long friend, Trent Price, on the drums. It was to be great. Black hair cut straight across our foreheads, tight jeans, undersize t-shirts, white belts, tears and me curled up in the fetal position with a microphone.

Our lyrical ambitions were growing. I was getting excited; lines appeared in my mind as we drove through town or as I lay in bed at night.

You made me cry
I know you lied
Let me go
You've smudged my eye liner
Yeah, you've smudged my eyeliner

So as we were girding up, we discovered a near-tragedy. We just were not sad, heart-broken or bitter enough to write any emo songs. Infact, we've both been incredibly happy. Life hasn't been easy, but it's been up. Quite up. Too up for emo.

Sincerely and Celestially,
Your Beloved Boys

Missional – more than a buzz word?

2006-09-06T16:37:00.001-07:00

No matter what you call it – Junior Vacation; Week SWOT o' Chapel; Cut Class and Send Them to the World Week – everyone has a special place in their heart and academic schedule for Missions Conference Week.

We've seen missionaries to nearly everywhere. From Bologna – similar to the sandwich meat; to Paris – where lovers meet; to Barcelona in Espana. Not to leave out China –"East Side (of the world) represent!"; Indonesia – not to be confused with I-Don't-Need-Ya; and Africa, that big continent roamed on by lions with voices identical to Jonathon Taylor Thomas and Darth Vader. However, we would like to draw to your attention a vast mission field often ignored, the left hemisphere of Jupiter. You may wonder, "Well, what can I do?" It's quite simple, really:

1. Pray
2. Donate to the send Outerspace Ministries fund.

Rules of Engagement

2006-09-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, we know it's spring and about time for that ring, so we thought we'd give a little advisory. Study these.

1. Don't get engaged for shock value.

2. When your friend gets engaged and you're not, don't look back at him from your table of seven friends, to his lonesome self occupying an entire table and yell, "You might be engaged, but you ain't go no friends!" Not cool. Not biblical. Not what Jesus would do.

3. This is just for those of you guys who just need a little help: Don't take a girl to Mount Tabor unless you like her.
4. If your dad has mustache: don't hide it, pride it! Because you know what? There are few men in this world who can sport a mighty mustache. If your dad is one of them, you should support him. Follow the lead of Lubeck's kids.

Back to the sensitive subject…

5. If you are engaged, don't run up to a room of single friends to tell them you just got "hooked up for real!" (aka, engaged).

6. Take it from me, don't read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I Gave Dating a Chance, When God Writes Your Love Story or Boy Meets Girl. Read, Love To Last a Lifetime by Dr. James Dobson. It's about marriage, it'll scare you away from the opposite gender for at least a semester.

Central Bible’s Big Secret

2006-09-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

"What they don't know, can't hurt them." founding member of Portland, Oregon's Central Bible Church told us last Saturday. It was earlier that week that Multnomah students entering the back door had noticed to the right of the dumpsters a considerable change of temperature rising from the giant vent.

A quick look at the building's blue prints will show that when it was constructed, a garage was designed and laid out to be beneath the church. For one reason or another, builders failed to realize the unnecessary double-reinforced fire walls and giant gate of an entrance. Garage in blueprints; layer in actuality.

"His name is Francis," our informer told us. This seventy-five foot, 27 ton fire-breathing reptile has inhabited the basement of Central Bible Church for the past 278 years. I think that's when they spoke olde English.

"He's kind," we were told, "as long as he's unaware of your presence." The only trouble is, according to our research, as we all know dragons always sense your presence. Church leaders try to play it off as fuzzed-out bass during chapel; listen closely, and you'll hear the growl.

Central Bible leaders make no plans of change in the near future. "He's a happy critter, and we're glad to house him."

But is Francis a dragon happy to be housed? It was only 9:30pm just last weekend when Francis, broken loose in all his fury, decided to take a quick swipe at a giant, infamous tree in front of Sutcliffe, Multnomah Bible College's administration building. He was, however, quickly corralled back to his den by brave security officer, Evan Hough – a man known to dodge bullets on a daily basis.

Francis the Dragon may have a house, but he has no sky to fly in. Our staff has reason to believe he's not entirely who he wants to be. This is his life. Is he who he wants to be?

Using > H2O

2006-09-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

Multnomah Water Conservancy Guild – a non-profit organization unassociated with Multnomah Bible College - is asking students to consider their use of water, and suggesting new ways to conserve this wonderful resource.

One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, also known as Abraham Figueroa, is proud that he does not use plates but eats the entirety of his meal from his tray. Some days, he told us, he is feeling a certain kind of conviction and does not use cups, but instead, also uses his tray. It's a soppy mess of a meal, but Abe is happy to sacrifice for the saving of water.

Another student, wishing to use the pseudonym, Brian Stevenson only showers every third day in hopes of making a difference in the amount of water flowing through Multnomah's pipelines.

It is a noble cause and MWCG is calling you to do your part. Save some water, today.